The Merry Wives of Windsor

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ACT II SCENE I	Before PAGE'S house.
[Enter MISTRESS PAGE, with a letter]
MISTRESS PAGE	What, have I scaped love-letters in the holiday-
	time of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them?
	Let me see.
[Reads]
	'Ask me no reason why I love you; for though
	Love use Reason for his physician, he admits him	5
	not for his counsellor. You are not young, no more
	am I; go to then, there's sympathy: you are merry,
	so am I; ha, ha! then there's more sympathy: you
	love sack, and so do I; would you desire better
	sympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page,--at	10
	the least, if the love of soldier can suffice,--
	that I love thee. I will not say, pity me; 'tis
	not a soldier-like phrase: but I say, love me. By me,
	Thine own true knight,
	By day or night,	15
	Or any kind of light,
	With all his might
	For thee to fight, JOHN FALSTAFF'
	What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked
	world! One that is well-nigh worn to pieces with	20
	age to show himself a young gallant! What an
	unweighed behavior hath this Flemish drunkard
	picked--with the devil's name!--out of my
	conversation, that he dares in this manner assay me?
	Why, he hath not been thrice in my company! What	25
	should I say to him? I was then frugal of my
	mirth: Heaven forgive me! Why, I'll exhibit a bill
	in the parliament for the putting down of men. How
	shall I be revenged on him? for revenged I will be,
	as sure as his guts are made of puddings.	30
[Enter MISTRESS FORD]
MISTRESS FORD	Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your house.
MISTRESS PAGE	And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look very
	ill.
MISTRESS FORD	Nay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have to show to the contrary.
MISTRESS PAGE	Faith, but you do, in my mind.	35
MISTRESS FORD	Well, I do then; yet I say I could show you to the
	contrary. O Mistress Page, give me some counsel!
MISTRESS PAGE	What's the matter, woman?
MISTRESS FORD	O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect, I
	could come to such honour!	40
MISTRESS PAGE	Hang the trifle, woman! take the honour. What is
	it? dispense with trifles; what is it?
MISTRESS FORD	If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or so,
	I could be knighted.
MISTRESS PAGE	What? thou liest! Sir Alice Ford! These knights	45
	will hack; and so thou shouldst not alter the
	article of thy gentry.
MISTRESS FORD	We burn daylight: here, read, read; perceive how I
	might be knighted. I shall think the worse of fat
	men, as long as I have an eye to make difference of	50
	men's liking: and yet he would not swear; praised
	women's modesty; and gave such orderly and
	well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness, that I
	would have sworn his disposition would have gone to
	the truth of his words; but they do no more adhere	55
	and keep place together than the Hundredth Psalm to
	the tune of 'Green Sleeves.' What tempest, I trow,
	threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in his
	belly, ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revenged
	on him? I think the best way were to entertain him	60
	with hope, till the wicked fire of lust have melted
	him in his own grease. Did you ever hear the like?
MISTRESS PAGE	Letter for letter, but that the name of Page and
	Ford differs! To thy great comfort in this mystery
	of ill opinions, here's the twin-brother of thy	65
	letter: but let thine inherit first; for, I
	protest, mine never shall. I warrant he hath a
	thousand of these letters, writ with blank space for
	different names--sure, more,--and these are of the
	second edition: he will print them, out of doubt;	70
	for he cares not what he puts into the press, when
	he would put us two. I had rather be a giantess,
	and lie under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find you
	twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man.
MISTRESS FORD	Why, this is the very same; the very hand, the very	75
	words. What doth he think of us?
MISTRESS PAGE	Nay, I know not: it makes me almost ready to
	wrangle with mine own honesty. I'll entertain
	myself like one that I am not acquainted withal;
	for, sure, unless he know some strain in me, that I	80
	know not myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury.
MISTRESS FORD	'Boarding,' call you it? I'll be sure to keep him
	above deck.
MISTRESS PAGE	So will I if he come under my hatches, I'll never
	to sea again. Let's be revenged on him: let's	85
	appoint him a meeting; give him a show of comfort in
	his suit and lead him on with a fine-baited delay,
	till he hath pawned his horses to mine host of the Garter.
MISTRESS FORD	Nay, I will consent to act any villany against him,
	that may not sully the chariness of our honesty. O,	90
	that my husband saw this letter! it would give
	eternal food to his jealousy.
MISTRESS PAGE	Why, look where he comes; and my good man too: he's
	as far from jealousy as I am from giving him cause;
	and that I hope is an unmeasurable distance.	95
MISTRESS FORD	You are the happier woman.
MISTRESS PAGE	Let's consult together against this greasy knight.
	Come hither.
[They retire]
[Enter FORD with PISTOL, and PAGE with NYM]
FORD	Well, I hope it be not so.
PISTOL	Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs:	100
	Sir John affects thy wife.
FORD	Why, sir, my wife is not young.
PISTOL	He wooes both high and low, both rich and poor,
	Both young and old, one with another, Ford;
	He loves the gallimaufry: Ford, perpend.	105
FORD	Love my wife!
PISTOL	With liver burning hot. Prevent, or go thou,
	Like Sir Actaeon he, with Ringwood at thy heels:
	O, odious is the name!
FORD	What name, sir?	110
PISTOL	The horn, I say. Farewell.
	Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot by night:
	Take heed, ere summer comes or cuckoo-birds do sing.
	Away, Sir Corporal Nym!
	Believe it, Page; he speaks sense.	115
[Exit]
FORD	[Aside] I will be patient; I will find out this.
NYM	[To PAGE] And this is true; I like not the humour
	of lying. He hath wronged me in some humours: I
	should have borne the humoured letter to her; but I
	have a sword and it shall bite upon my necessity.	120
	He loves your wife; there's the short and the long.
	My name is Corporal Nym; I speak and I avouch; 'tis
	true: my name is Nym and Falstaff loves your wife.
	Adieu. I love not the humour of bread and cheese,
	and there's the humour of it. Adieu.	125
[Exit]
PAGE	'The humour of it,' quoth a'! here's a fellow
	frights English out of his wits.
FORD	I will seek out Falstaff.
PAGE	I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue.
FORD	If I do find it: well.	130
PAGE	I will not believe such a Cataian, though the priest
	o' the town commended him for a true man.
FORD	'Twas a good sensible fellow: well.
PAGE	How now, Meg!
[MISTRESS PAGE and MISTRESS FORD come forward]
MISTRESS PAGE	Whither go you, George? Hark you.	135
MISTRESS FORD	How now, sweet Frank! why art thou melancholy?
FORD	I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you home, go.
MISTRESS FORD	Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head. Now,
	will you go, Mistress Page?
MISTRESS PAGE	Have with you. You'll come to dinner, George.	140
[Aside to MISTRESS FORD]
	Look who comes yonder: she shall be our messenger
	to this paltry knight.
MISTRESS FORD	[Aside to MISTRESS PAGE] Trust me, I thought on her:
	she'll fit it.
[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY]
MISTRESS PAGE	You are come to see my daughter Anne?	145
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Ay, forsooth; and, I pray, how does good Mistress Anne?
MISTRESS PAGE	Go in with us and see: we have an hour's talk with
	you.
[Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and MISTRESS QUICKLY]
PAGE	How now, Master Ford!
FORD	You heard what this knave told me, did you not?	150
PAGE	Yes: and you heard what the other told me?
FORD	Do you think there is truth in them?
PAGE	Hang 'em, slaves! I do not think the knight would
	offer it: but these that accuse him in his intent
	towards our wives are a yoke of his discarded men;	155
	very rogues, now they be out of service.
FORD	Were they his men?
PAGE	Marry, were they.
FORD	I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at
	the Garter?	160
PAGE	Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage
	towards my wife, I would turn her loose to him; and
	what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it
	lie on my head.
FORD	I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be loath to	165
	turn them together. A man may be too confident: I
	would have nothing lie on my head: I cannot be thus satisfied.
PAGE	Look where my ranting host of the Garter comes:
	there is either liquor in his pate or money in his
	purse when he looks so merrily.	170
[Enter Host]
	How now, mine host!
Host	How now, bully-rook! thou'rt a gentleman.
	Cavaleiro-justice, I say!
[Enter SHALLOW]
SHALLOW	I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even and
	twenty, good Master Page! Master Page, will you go	175
	with us? we have sport in hand.
Host	Tell him, cavaleiro-justice; tell him, bully-rook.
SHALLOW	Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh
	the Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor.
FORD	Good mine host o' the Garter, a word with you.	180
[Drawing him aside]
Host	What sayest thou, my bully-rook?
SHALLOW	[To PAGE] Will you go with us to behold it? My
	merry host hath had the measuring of their weapons;
	and, I think, hath appointed them contrary places;
	for, believe me, I hear the parson is no jester.	185
	Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be.
[They converse apart]
Host	Hast thou no suit against my knight, my
	guest-cavaleire?
FORD	None, I protest: but I'll give you a pottle of
	burnt sack to give me recourse to him and tell him	190
	my name is Brook; only for a jest.
Host	My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress;
	--said I well?--and thy name shall be Brook. It is
	a merry knight. Will you go, An-heires?
SHALLOW	Have with you, mine host.	195
PAGE	I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in
	his rapier.
SHALLOW	Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these times
	you stand on distance, your passes, stoccadoes, and
	I know not what: 'tis the heart, Master Page; 'tis	200
	here, 'tis here. I have seen the time, with my long
	sword I would have made you four tall fellows skip like rats.
Host	Here, boys, here, here! shall we wag?
PAGE	Have with you. I would rather hear them scold than fight.
[Exeunt Host, SHALLOW, and PAGE]
FORD	Though Page be a secure fool, an stands so firmly	205
	on his wife's frailty, yet I cannot put off my
	opinion so easily: she was in his company at Page's
	house; and what they made there, I know not. Well,
	I will look further into't: and I have a disguise
	to sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose not	210
	my labour; if she be otherwise, 'tis labour well bestowed.
[Exit]